I've never been to a funeral or experienced an immediate death in my family where I was at an age to understand what was happening. I know it's inevitable, but somehow I thought it wouldn't happen to me at such a young age.
My grandmother is an amazing woman. Despite all the things we've been through, I've always admired her and wished to live a life like hers. Marry a sweetheart, travel the world, covet beautiful treasures and have a loving and interesting family. I want to tell stories about adventures in Egypt and cruises to Greece. I want to do everything she did. I want to still wear red lipstick and high heels when I'm 80 just to maintain that class and charisma she has. I'm proud to live in her footsteps. My grandma is suffering from kidney and bladder cancer and it has recently spread into her lungs. She has lost a significant amount of weight, can't travel from the bed to the bathroom, and has a hospice nurse with her at her bedside. She won't talk to me on the phone. Just a few days ago, I realized that her time is approaching, and I haven't been able to function. My body is constantly shaking and my stomach has been a mess from the moment I wake up til I go to sleep at night. I don't know how to cope. I'm overwhelmed and tired and I feel like everything is crashing down on me. I don't know what to do. Then, on top of all that (which is certainly more than enough), my mom told me today that when I go home the first week of July, we'll be putting my dog down.
I'm a train wreck.
I just want to crawl in a hole and never see the light of day. Everything is just so fucked up right now. I'm trying to stay positive but my emotions are eating away at me from the inside. I don't know how to express myself outwardly so this doesn't happen to me. This was the only thing I could think of to get it out somewhat. I don't think people really know how to deal with someone when they're experiencing a loss. I know that they have probably gone through it themselves, but finding the right thing to say won't take away the pain. I'm really feeling pain. And I'm feeling it and not dealing with it. I've been going out constantly and drinking is just making me feel worse. Today I decided to stop. At least for now, until my body starts functioning properly and I know I can have a drink without using it as a crutch. I've also eliminated dairy, just in case that's messing with my stomach, too. I'm starting yoga on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll be able to find some peace of mind.
Please forgive me for dumping all my shit here. I just haven't said it yet, and I don't want to burden anyone. Not only that, but every time I've tried to talk about it, I end up sobbing, shaking and feeling more helpless than before. I feel awful right now. Absolutely awful.
