Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

I'm so excited to be home for Christmas! I've had a wonderful time here already and I've only been home for 24 hours. For the first time in many years, I'm not the only one bitten with the Christmas bug! My mom actually wanted to wrap presents this year and decorate the house and have a somewhat normal holiday. She's baking cookies and we listened to classic Christmas music and I absolutely love every second of it. It's amazing. I missed Christmas at home last year so I really love that we're amping it up this time around. As you can see, we even took a holiday photo! I am so blessed to have such loving and wonderful parents (and a beautiful dog, Mocha!) and I can't stop smiling. Home is where the heart is. I'm so happy to be here! Hope everyone else is enjoying their Christmas as much as I am!

Peace, love and happiness.

xo,

am

The only place I know

A blog just in time for Holiday time! I'm pretty excited to go back home and have some fun with my parents and get away from work for another week. It's getting harder and harder for me to keep "It's just a job" at the front of my thought process while mindlessly directing people to their seats. The fact that my favorite coworkers are asking me who made my shit list for the day is shining light on a trend of mine: I like to bitch. I'm really trying to stop being so negative, but it really is difficult to maintain a positive attitude when I just feel so unhappy. And when people overall are just so unintelligent. When I was in Ghosts of Provincetown and Samurai Sword Crime my job was much more tolerable. I didn't mind going in and getting shit done, but now I feel like since it's the only thing I have going on, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with anxiety and frustration with the majority of people I encounter. It's all the little things, I guess, that are just piling up in a heap in front of me. And it ain't pretty. Christmas time will be a good opportunity for me to bottle some happiness so I can bring it back with me for a rainy day. Or rather, just another day in the basement. I actually really like the rain.

Anyway, it's just really hard for me to care about a lot of these people when all I can really think about is booking a show and auditions and wanting my life to be that of my dreams. I've never considered myself one to have many true friends, so in all honesty it doesn't bother me much that I don't like the majority of people I work with. Of course there are a few people that I love seeing at work, but I don't get to see those people all that often. Of course not! :) I just can't access that feeling I had when I first started working there. I was so happy to be involved in the theatre in some way. That I was making money watching theatre. Really, doing the easiest job I've ever had in my life. I just don't find it as fulfilling anymore. It's really not a terrible place to work, the big problem is that I'm not doing what I love. I don't love this place like I love being on stage. I don't want to be sucked into this temporary position meant to pay my bills until I book something. I can't let myself do that. And with each day that I'm working another shift, I find myself feeling stuck. And that's why I'm frustrated. I just need to get back out there again. So I've prepared some dates to kick myself forward. The Goal Lists are making a comeback for me. I love lists. :) So here it is:

THE KICK OFF FOR 2010 GOAL LIST

1) New headshots on January 4, 2010. Get shots reproduced A.S.A.P.

2) Wisdom teeth removal on January 7, 2010. (I know this isn't related THAT much to my acting career, but it is something that needs to be done. Finally.)

3) At least 2 AUDITIONS PER WEEK. Show up. Submit the shit out of it! Keep a log of auditions I was seen at, callbacks, etc. SEND POSTCARDS once the Callbacks start rolling in!

4) Read at least 4 new plays or plays I haven't read per month.

5) Keep taking guitar lessons. Look into voice lessons.

6) Write more often.

7) Take more photos.

8) Save money for travel.

And I'm sure there will be more before the ball drops. I always look forward to the New Year. When I make these damn lists I keep to them. Here's to not looking back!

xo,

am

Day to Day Today.

I know it's been a while and I figured it was about that time to let the world know what was up with me. I still work at NWS, of course, and even though I'm getting a bit fed up I'm still incredibly grateful to have a steady income. I went home to PA for a rock out night with my mom on the 20th and had a fantastic time, I rearranged my room, I start guitar lessons next week, I partied it up a bunch with the many friends I'm fortunate to have and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving day with many of those same people. I really have had a pretty epic November. I can't believe it's already December! Tomorrow I have an audition with The Talent House agency and I'm pretty excited. I feel prepared and just ready to kill it. I know I can do this and this is just awesome that this opportunity has presented itself in my life. And if it doesn't work out, I know that more opportunities will arise. I'm not worried about that. Things will work out the way they're supposed to work out and it may not happen now, but I know that it will. I'm cool with the positive thinking. Overall, it's been a good month. I hope it continues to stay great through the rest of this year and into 2010!

2010!! Holy cow, that's weird.

It's all about Me.

Things are changing. Things are different. Life is a roller coaster and all that jazz. I feel like these past couple of weeks have dramatically altered my state of being for the better and for the worse. A trip to California opened my eyes a bit more as to how important the work is that I'm doing here as an actor. I'm actually out there and auditioning and that's all I can be doing until I book another show. Which I will. It also made me understand a little bit more how life is too precious and as they say, short, to be anything less than happy.

I've really been enjoying my life since returning to New York. I've been taking the time to do things for me. And that includes dance parties in my room while no one is home and taking pictures of sunsets and fading leaves or anything that I find beautiful. I have found peace in being with myself and I cherish that more than anything right now. I need that sense of focus so I can try to eliminate all the negativity that has been festering for these past few years I've been in New York. I have been waking up early and taking my time getting ready for my day. I've been going to the gym and have already lost 4 pounds. I just feel better about myself. I didn't realize how long it's been since I felt like I was taking care of me. Even looking back in my old journal entries from 2 years ago I mentioned things like needing to focus on myself because I have only spent time focusing on others. I couldn't have been more right if I do say so myself! I feel repetitive now, but I really do enjoy this time I have for me and me alone. I can do what I want and with that comes a sense of mischief. All I want to do is live my life without fear and have fun doing it. I don't want to think about all the things that could go wrong or how others are feeling because of whatever it is that's going on in their lives. I only have room in my brain for one person and I've finally decided that the one person is me. At least for now.

Huddle Up.

1,2,3... BREAK.

Samurai Sword Crime

Tonight is opening night of my show "Don't Do Samurai Sword Crime" at the Red Room here in NYC. It's definitely going to be a hilarious evening and I hope you can all come to see it! I'm pretty excited since I feel like I've rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed. Now I'm ready for some live audience action!

First I have to get through this long day! Nothing to do but think about how excited I am...

Livin' the Dream

"In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,

Theres nothing you can’t do.

Big lights will inspire you,
lets hear it for New York, New York, New York."

Thank you Jay-Z for letting me see what I've forgotten: I love this city. I'm lucky to be here. I have not given up on the dream and THAT is what is most important.

That is why I came here, and that is why I will stay here.

To be or not to be.

God, I wish you knew what these past few months have been for me. I've been tired. I've been disappointed. I've been hopeful. I've been embarrassed. I've been questioned. I've been depressed. Unhappy. Stuck.

More often than not I've been thinking of the saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be."

Is that true? Could that be the answer? All we need is time apart and things will be fixed?

At this point I'm saying that I will give it a chance but I really don't know how much I believe that it will work out. I know I should hope that it does, but I'm frightened of it not working. I'm afraid that if it doesn't work, yet again I'm the sucker who bought into it.

And somehow, I always end up being the sucker.

Index Tabs and Plans

I doubt many of you know this about me, but I am a major stationary nut job. I absolutely love buying new journals and planners and sticky notes. I love gel pens and lined paper. And thank you cards. With stickers. I absolutely love stationary. It's a little weird, okay, but it's kind of soothing for me. Anyway, today, I happened to buy a new planner. Because it was made as a lined notebook, I bought index tabs and made my own. I love it. I literally sat for an hour and a half writing out dates and it seriously put me in the most fantastic mood ever. I love doing creative things and even though that may have been a bore to someone else, it was great fun for me. It was really just a time for me to sit peacefully in my room and think about all the things going on in my life without really having to feel anything. I wish I could fully explain all the chaos in my life right now, but a). it would take too much time and b). I just want to enjoy the good things and try and let go of the bad. I'm really trying to stay positive (except when you annoy me. Blair has not been laid to rest) and just get through each day. That's all for now friends. I hope you realize now how much I actually love writing these blogs.. it's like electronic stationary! I love it!

Blair is back in town.

From now on, you can just call me Blair. Yes, as in Blair Waldorf. I have officially adopted her way of thinking and I must say I'm having a grand old time. These past two weeks I haven't been able to keep my mouth shut. Call it playing dirty, but I call it finally playing the game. I'm not on the sidelines anymore, I'm in the front lines. With all the baloney that has been going on lately, I can no longer take a back seat and play nice and quiet. I'm speaking my mind, whether it's pretty or not. I'm just tired of not standing up for myself and dammit, I'm going to now. Of course I approach things nicely in most circumstances, but if you step on my toes, I'm stepping back. 

With heals on.

Packing on the Pasta

Well, ladies and gents, it is officially that time where I make a confession. A big one. 

I haven't been to the gym in over a month.

God, I know! What the hell am I doing?! Eating pasta and donuts like I need them to survive? Partying it up like my liver can handle it. I think it's about that time where I get back on track. There was a good amount of months where I went to the gym at least 3 cardio-packed occasions a week, and I felt a huge difference in my being. My outlook on my repetitive life was much more positive, my flabby belly was starting to tone up (a little...) and I felt like I could just fly to the moon. My excuse has been that I haven't had much time, which is true. The show took up a lot of that time, I know, but now? I just have no energy left after working so late and staying out at night. I need to get it together before I have another mental breakdown. 

Anyway, I was talking to my good friend George Michael Michael George and I mentioned how I don't often post on here, mainly because I feel like all I do is complain about things that are going wrong in my life. I think ultimately that it's what I have always done with my journals, but every once and a while, when looking back, I love reading those incredibly joyous entries. It's nice to be reminded of the complete happiness I felt then.  Like the 5 year old girl I babysit for said, we remember the bad memories more because there are less of them in comparison to the happy ones. 

Such a smart little curly haired girl.

Anycrap, I just ate the most amazing pasta EVER and now I'm going to a party, so I have to get up and going. 

I know, I know.. It's just so much easier than the gym!

It's time you and me had a serious talk.

Having been in Pennsylvania since Sunday, I've had quite a lot of time to sit around and do nothing. I finished a book, I started memorizing a monologue... I caught up on Top Chef.  I have also thought quite seriously about a hot topic in the news right now: Healthcare. I'm going to say this first, just so you can get where I'm coming from. My mother, who is just 50, has been in and out of hospitals for 30 years. My parents have filed bankruptcy twice within that time. After at least 6 major surgeries on her knee, my mother is STILL in tremendous pain. She is constantly trying to battle through it with concoctions of various pain meds, and overall, not succeeding. My mom is in bed most days, unable to walk. It's unfair that she has had to spend half of her life and all of mine suffering. It's also unfair that we have had to fight insurance companies EVERY TIME. 

The thing is, my parents pay for their insurance. My dad is fortunate enough to receive a plan from his company, but they still pay each month for coverage. That coverage is SHIT and this is why we need a change. Even in paying a monthly rate, my parents still have hardly anything to show for it. It's definitely more than me, as I have nothing, but I think there is where the issue lies. In healthcare providers. No one gives two shits about you getting well, they care about the money. When I see people posting things about healthcare reform saying, "Why should I have to pay for someone else's free healthcare?"  I say, "You are a cold ass son of a bitch." Here's why in long form. We get taxed, no matter what. Everyone does. I hardly make $15,000 a year, and I'm getting taxed. But think of this: Only .2 percent of Germany's legal residents are uninsured, compared with nearly 18 percent of Americans who have no coverage, yet very little tax money goes into their system. The lion's share comes, as in America, from premiums paid by workers and employers to insurance companies. You alone aren't paying for someone else's free health care. Everyone is paying for health care. And the more you make, the more you pay. The idea is that everybody's in it together, and nobody should be without health insurance. But say this reform does use my tax dollars but uses them for healthcare as opposed to paying government officials, I have no problem with that. If my taxes are providing an opportunity for people, including myself, to be able to go and get help when they're ill, that's fine by me. If my tax dollars will someday save my ass or get me a flu shot, I'm willing to pay for it. 

 Right now, I can't afford to pay a health insurance provider straight out of pocket, but if the government provides that option for me, it makes sense for the moment and I would take it. Of course when I can afford something else, it will be great to be able to do that. But for someone in my position, I'm willing to accept what's going on.  I think a reform is a good idea, and I don't know how it's going to happen, but I do hope that we can try and make health care accessible. We are so far behind other countries. And maybe it doesn't work. I know in Canada they have a very long wait before they can be seen for non-emergencies, but there has to be a balance. There has to be a country that can be a model for us. For once, I hope we can think about the well being of our country's citizens, put all of our pride and party favoritism aside and figure something out. Something that works.

I just want to have the ability to go a doctor. Or more importantly to a dentist. My wisdom teeth are killing me!

Ghosts

My goodness, have I had an amazing week! Ghosts of Provincetown has come and gone and I couldn't be more pleased. I am so proud of everyone for working so hard and actually putting up a show. I think this is a huge turning point for all of us and I can't wait to continue to create with the many talented people I work with at NWS. Now that the show is over, though, it seems I have too much time to sit with my legs folded under and think about all the crap I put aside. Money, work, boyfriend, friends, family... they all slapped me in the face the moment I woke up this morning. It stung for a moment, but then I just had to forget about it. I just feel like I've been allowing myself to be miserable and I'm not okay with that anymore. I just can't believe that I let things go so easily, when it's my life and I have every right to be dismissive or sad or frustrated or happy. I have the right to be and do whatever I want, and I will. I just have no more patience for worrying about things that are out of my hands anyway. So I'm just going to try and have some fun. Things will work out. I'm not going to be irresponsible, but I'm also not going to sit on my ass, complaining about how broke I am. Over it.

Anyway, I'm back in Pennsylvania with my parents and loving it. The weather is beautiful. Perfect for a joyride in my mom's convertible and maybe a nap in the sunshine. I'm going to enjoy my little break from the city. Maybe even post another video blog! We'll see what these next few days bring. 

Hope all is well wherever you are. 

xo,

am

It's not about the money.. it's about the life you live.

I couldn't be more surprised to be living the life I am living right now. I guess it's mainly because it's taken me 8 months to get to this point, but I didn't think these many days of merriment would have happened. I believe that deep in my heart I knew that I would make it in this big city, but I never considered the challenges I would face in being here. But I know now more than ever that I can not be one of those people to fall back on a plan B. My plan B is to stick to plan A. Sorry guys, but following your dreams may not mean money yet. But really, if that's what it's about, than maybe you're in it for all the wrong reasons. Maybe that isn't really what you wanted in the first place. I'm seeing so many of my closest friends lose hope in their ability to reach their goals, and that just eats me alive. Truly. I have taken on the heartaches of so many people that my own heart was about to burst. I have so much anxiety and stress. I worry about everyone more than anyone could possibly know. I worry so much about other people that I have forgotten to worry about myself. And when I do worry about myself, I worry that I'm worrying too much! 

I need to learn to let go.

 

 I think I may be getting the idea, though. I haven't had this many good days in a long while. I really must thank the lovely and talented people that I have been blessed to work with in Ghosts of Provincetown, and my family who will love and support me no matter what. I really couldn't have been able to experience this emotional high without them. I love it!

In other news, I wish all of you out-of-towners could have been in NYC today. I know rainy days in the city hardly sound appealing, but today was just perfect for warm tea, a cozy sweater and a book. I love days like this. It just brought me some much needed peace in my buzzing brain. I need more days like these to get myself together. I don't know when it happened, but somewhere in the past year, I lost some of myself that I have grown to treasure. The part of me that would write obsessively in my journal, and plan out my week in color coded fashion in my lovely planners. I'm just ready to start September and get some change in my life. Changing seasons seems just right. Anyway, it's approaching 3am and I have no idea how I'm awake, considering I'm coming up on a 24 hour day. 

This mind of mine... it just won't stop buzzing!

I hope all is well and that y'all are keeping it real. Loves ya.

xo

am

In a New York state of mind

Oh bloggy blog bloggerstein. How I forget about thee. Here is the latest for all my lovely readers:

GHOSTS OF PROVINCETOWN: September 2-5. Come see it. It will be fantastic. (Industry people in attendance! Aaamaazzzingg! And scary. :) )

Work, work, work work work. 

A Coney Island adventure today made me smile and I was incredibly happy to ride the Cyclone and play frisbee with some of my favorite people.

Counting down the days til I go home to see my mom and dad. I need my family right now more than most people would suspect. 

 

I love me some cookies.

And.. I'm being very general right now. I have much to discuss but no desire to share all that info today. If something is up concerning you, you know about it. Everyone else: You rock. I love you. Life is GOOD.

NYC.

I love these days when I remember why I'm here....

Beach!

Tired? 

Overwhelmed? 

Frustrated? 

The perfect cure awaits along the shore! Grab a towel and some sunscreen, a few friends and possibly a book and it is a guarantee that those anxieties with float away to sea. Say goodbye to your problems and hello to a fresh outlook on life. 

The beach.

My friend and yours.

xo,

am

My Life According to Marc Broussard

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to at least 10 people and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My Life According to (band name)."

Pick your Artist:
Marc Broussard

Are you a male or female?
Evangeline Rose

Describe yourself:
Take it or Leave It

How do you feel:
Nothing Wrong

Describe where you currently live:
Home

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Where You Are

Your favorite form of transportation:
Love and Happiness

Your best friend is:
Someone You Know

What's the weather like?
Inner City Blues

Favorite time of day:
Another Night Alone

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
The Wanderer

What is life to you:
Let the Music Get Down in Your Soul

Your fear:
Evil Things

What is the best advice you have to give:
Power's in the People

Thought for the Day:
Save Me

How I would like to die:
Lonely Night in Georgia

My soul's present condition:
Rocksteady

My motto:
Momentary Setback

Cry til you Vomit, Laugh til you Vomit.

Well, I guess life is like a roller coaster. I wish there was something less cliche to say about life that relates to its' endless ups and downs, but I honestly can't think of any better way to say it. And what's wrong with a cliche if it works? Who knows. I do know that I had a complete breakdown on Wednesday. I sobbed for a good 40 minutes, almost threw up because of it and stayed in bed the entire next day, praising the Lord I didn't have to work. After my collapse, I had nothing left to feel. I had no energy. I had no fear. I had no anger or frustration or sadness. I just had me. My mind was blank because my body just couldn't handle it at that point. Not anymore. I've held on to all of it for so long that it just needed clear out. So my mind and body were empty. Granted that isn't much better than being bottled up with every intense emotion imaginable, but it did feel nice to have a clear head for the first time in months. Once I returned to work, not one thing bothered me. And then I found out I got cast in a show. My heart hasn't felt that joy in 2 years. I haven't been in a show for TWO YEARS.  I am just so happy to finally be involved in something. And then I discovered I am going to be in a web series as well! I feel giddy knowing that this is the part of my roller coaster ride that climbs up a steep mountain. I'm just hoping that the climb up lasts a bit longer than it has previously.

Here's to getting through all the beastly so we can truly enjoy the brilliant.

xo

am

Oh bother.

It's funny to me how in a matter of seconds I can go from feeling extraordinarily happy to completely depressed with my whole self. This is the part of New York City living that I never accounted for. I knew there was going to be hard work involved, but I never grasped that every day would be a struggle for me. I know that it makes one appreciate the good things, but I sincerely wish that I could have just a few more good things thrown in. I'm really just in a giant slump of crapola. I'm tired of it, I just don't know how to fix it. Paycheck to paycheck, working my butt off for very little and sacrificing why I'm in this city to begin with just doesn't help to put me in a better mood. I want to kick things. And cuss. And scream.

I think right now I'll just blast some music and try and muffle my melancholy mind.

Maybe soon it will get better.

All smiles.

Here is an update for you, my fellow bloggers!

I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY!

I don't think I've really said that on here. I'm well-fed, I'm seeing Harry Potter this week, I love my friends, I get to see my parents next week, Josh and I are doing great, the weather is beautiful and life is just good. I like taking things as they come and celebrating the good in my life. It's making me one happy lady. :)

Livin' the life

Sometimes, when I get all crazy and bogged down with money issues and lack of auditions and working far more than I'd like to, I forget that I live in one of the greatest cities in the world. I'm just a few subway stops away from Central Park. I can walk by Radio City if I want to. Any of my Nevada friends could ask me "Have you been in the cash cab?" and I can say "Not yet!" and I do seriously stand a chance of getting in. A slim one, but a chance. I really do love this city and I truly feel that I belong here. I never thought that I would make it to NYC 5 years ago and here I am. Livin' the dream. Just like I always thought I would. So here's to the best month in a long time and to many more to come from the city that never sleeps. Love it!

xo

am

rainy days on sunny days

Why is it that when something amazing is supposed to happen, everything around me crumbles? I booked an indie feature and worked a 14 hour day for one scene. I also missed a shift at work so yet again another suspension is bound to be in my future. God. WHY?! Why can't something just go RIGHT?!

Blah blah blah.

I'm tired, bored, restless, hungry and broke. Today is the day I change my outlook and do something to MAKE IT WORK. Wish me luck.

xo

am

A muted world

I have recently discovered that electronic devices placed directly into your ears will do more harm than good. I literally can not hear out of my left ear because of the damn ear piece I have to use at my job. Really world? Did you just say "That sucks for you!"? No? Oh. Well I thought you did but I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Ugh. It's the weirdest thing ever. But at least with this new development I can thoroughly enjoy my thoughts without much intrusion from others. I have been thinking a lot lately. Should I stay in New York? When am I going to snag a show? I should stop eating carbs. How the hell did my hearing get so bad?! I want a tattoo. Really, I have been contemplating the most interesting things. I'm sure you can tell. 

Anycrap, I am extremely tired after a full day of work so I'm going to go and catch some Z's. 

xo,

am

Mumble mumble.

Another brief, bulleted update, from the bollocks to the brilliant:

* I am faced with a very tough decision: To make a little over $3,000 dollars in six weeks or stay right where I am and audition to try and make the same amount only as an actor. (Insert brain fart here)

 What do I do??

* Rachel Yamagata=Amazing.

*I still need to book something. PLEASE GOD LET ME BOOK A FRIGGIN SHOW ALREADY!!!!

*I'll be heading home for a week to watch my puppy and three cats. Good times shall occur. Expect drunk dials. :)

*I'm reading the Princess Bride and absolutely loving it. I saw the movie but I never read the book and it is certainly well worth it. You should read it if you haven't. And you should also suggest books that I should read. Thanks!

*Feeling silly with no time to burn the energy. Gotta get to the gym, I think.

*I like veggies. Mmm mm. But I also like Chipotle. A lot.

*For God's sake I will watch Rachel Getting Married just let me do it on my own terms! Pickle Dust! (That means JESUS! SHUT UP ALREADY!)

That's all for now. 

Peace love and burritos.

Live Long and Prosper

One thing for me that has remained the same: I constantly want to be creating art. I hear weird introduction monologues to short films I want to make. I want to find new plays that I haven't read to pick up a new monologue. I want to paint the street lamp in Central Park or take a photo of how beautiful the light is that streams through the clouds on a rainy day. Lately, in a more overwhelming way than ever, I have found the need to do these things, and to be quite honest, the more lazy I feel as I stand at the tickets position at my job, smiling falsely as I direct patrons to the restrooms. I am so restless. And I'm not doing anything to help myself but complain about how I'm not doing anything. It has to change before I end up in a mental institution. I need to get back on track with doing what I know I need to be doing: 

ART.

:)

A Lucky Dime

In the parking lot of a grocery store, I found a dime facing heads up. 

Now, don't get me wrong, usually I don't tend to be extremely superstitious. Except in circumstances where basic things happen, like throwing salt over your shoulder when it spills or saying "bread and butter" when splitting a pole. But the heads up coins never really phased me. 

Until I found this dime.

My dad said, "It's a dime! It will bring you 10 times more luck!" so I picked it up for the hell of it. 

That day, I went golfing and tied my father. I have never been able to drive the ball as well as I did that morning. My lucky dime seemed to be doing the trick.

I made my bus on time, even though traffic was backed up for miles.

I didn't have one single issue in Flamingo Court once I arrived back in the city.

I don't have the swine flu.

I have a list of 6 auditions for the next 2 weeks.

I get paid to go home and watch my dog.

I have money left over in the bank after paying rent AND my student loan!

I am actually thinking with a more positive outlook than I have in a LONG time. From now on, if I see a coin lying on the hard asphalt facing heads up, I'm grabbing it.

Maybe next time it will be a quarter!

Life as I know It

Hey all who still care! I know its been forever and a day, but I finally have some legitimate down time to actually post on here. I have been quite busy with trying to make it in this life I'm living in NYC. It's been overwhelming and stressful but also very informative and even fun at times. I'm honestly just trying to make my rent and student loan payments (of course) and maintain a somewhat positive outlook that things will be okay for me in the world of theatre. I've gone on a few auditions, submitted to over 100 film/tv projects and have one more week left of my acting for the camera class. If anything, no one can say to me, "You aren't even trying!" because I am. Very much so. But in my heart I know I could be trying even harder. I always think, "Someone else is out there doing everything else that I'm not, and they're going to be the one that gets the job." I know, I'm such a pessimistic over-achiever! 

On the way to Philly yesterday, I came up with a script that I would like to shoot, so as soon as I get back to NYC I'm going to start filming. I'm also going to start reading more plays so I can find more useful monologues for myself to use. This summer I'm going to be teaching Shakespeare again at Purchase so at least I'll be making a decent amount of income again. I realize this is all just a tangent but I can't really think of an organized way to get my thoughts out. They're just going to be typed out as they come! So... yeah. I'm at home with my parents right now for a much needed vacation from the city. I needed a break from the nastiness that is my adult life. If I just booked ONE thing, I think I would be much more happy. I don't care what it is, I just have to be doing something to feel like my $80,000 education was a good choice. Anyway, I really don't have much to talk about but I'll try to post more often. Talk soon!

The List Maker

After re-reading my blog, I realize I make a lot of lists. It's kind of weird, but whatever. Here's another!

1). Back on my workout schedule. I fell off the track but now I'm back on. Yay yoga!

2). 3 more days til my birthday!!! I can't wait. 23, here I come!

3). I start my acting class on the 8th and I got my first assignment today. I feel it. I love it. I can't wait!

4). I have a big audition on the 10th so maybe at my class I can touch upon preparation for it. :)

5). PA tomorrow! I need to see my parents and I can't wait to celebrate my birthday with them.

Ahh, yes. Life is stressful but life is good. I'm feeling a different vibe lately, like something good is going to happen in this month of February. I just can't wait to see how it pans out!

Until next time!

25

I haven't done something like this in a while, but lately I have felt like I've lost touch with who I really am. I know it's just a dumb survey for most people, but in this place of confusion and heartache and being just plain overwhelmed with the stress of my life, I figured it would be a good way to take my mind off of my very taxing day.

25 facts about me that you may or may not have known.

1). I wish I had the skills that Martha Stewart does, not only because my apartment would grace the covers of Home Decor but because I would make so much money off all those crafty ideas she has!

2). Painting gives me such a peace of mind but I can never seem to find the time to do it.

3). I often believe my best friends are talking about me behind my back. (I hope that isn't true but I think about it a lot).

4). I hate having a messy room. It causes me so much anxiety yet for some reason these days it has been so easy to mess up. But I'll tell ya, it doesn't last long. The minute I feel stressed or overwhelmed or even just more happy than usual, that room becomes spotless. In less than 20 minutes. I'm a maniac.

5). I truly believe that if you are looking for love, you should stop. Love will come to you. It will fall right in your lap. You CAN NOT EXPECT ANYTHING. It just doesn't work that way. If you force it, it isn't right. If Lost taught me anything (and it has taught me a lot) it's that everything happens for a reason. I think love definitely falls into this category.

6). In surveys similar to these there's always that question: "What is your biggest fear?" and I always say "Fire." Let's be honest here. It's a huge fear of mine but my biggest? No. Failure, yes. At least three times a week I think, did I make the right choice? Will this ever work out? Will my life be lived paycheck to paycheck? I just always thought even if I wasn't making the money as an actor at least I would be happy doing what I loved. But I'm not even doing that right now. I just worry that it won't happen for me and it's hard for me to maintain a positive attitude about my life.

7).  I hate that my ex and I aren't friends. I love my boyfriend now, 100%, but I just can't see having gone through so much with Ben that we don't even speak to each other.  We had our problems but we had many good times too, and I don't want to have to pretend like they didn't exist. Or that he doesn't exist.

8). Cheese is my comfort food. 

9). I'm currently on a mission to read at least 100 books or plays by the end of this year. (I have read 6 so far).

10).  I hate that when I throw a party (which I've only done once! ha) I can't relax. Or get a buzz. And my biggest party pet peeve is people who effing change the music!!! Gaaah! I made a friggin' playlist specifically for this party so DON'T TOUCH IT! Goodness.

11). I want to move to England. Like, yesterday.

12).  Two of my goals for this year: to become more flexible and take a dance class.

13). I haven't been in a show for well over a year. Needless to say, I'm fucking feeling it. I need some sort of outlet for all this stored up creative juice I have. Maybe I should make some time for that painting...

14).  I have a panic attack at least once a week. 

15).  I want to go to Yale for grad school.

16). I love that spot on the shoulder that you can nuzzle into and cuddle without being unable to breathe. 

17). I've thought about teaching people Shakespeare techniques for their auditions to make a few extra bucks but I don't think anyone would take it and I'm a chicken shit.

18). I am so in love with Trader Joe's. They have such amazing prices and excellent food for vegetarians and I just love it. I'm going tomorrow.

19). I miss Nevada and I never thought I would. 

20).  As of now, I only own black shoes. I need to change that.

21). The little girl I babysit for always makes me pretend that I am Ginny Weasley from Harry Potter and than she gets to be Hermione. I get kind of jealous that she always plays Hermione. 

22). Not being invited to my brother's wedding is one of the most upsetting things that has happened to my mom, dad and I. Even though all that drama went down, we're his family and we love him, and that's something we'll never be able to experience. I just don't really understand how that happened.

23). Homemade gifts are my favorite. Mixed Cd's, knitted hats and scarves, or even just a hand-packed picnic to Central Park would make my day. I think I love them so much because if there's a talent that someone has that I can't do, I want to learn how to do it. I'm so envious of people who can knit! Seriously, that's awesome.

24). I love New York but I think about moving to LA all the time.

25). I am incredibly grateful to be where I'm at today. Despite all the struggle, I wouldn't change it for the world. Each day I'm faced with a challenge, and my personal challenge is dealing with it. I haven't been very good at managing my stress but I'm going to try. I'm going to try so hard to make things okay for me. I have to remember that each day, I wake up in a city that people dream about coming to and may never in their lifetime get to see. I still have a job while millions of people are unemployed. I still have passion for theatre and know that I won't let myself give up til I make it. I have amazing, supporting and loving people who have my back, no matter what. I am just grateful. And I hope that I show it.

One for the Money, Two for the Snow.

A brief, bulleted update, from the bollocks to the brilliant.

1) Student loans. (As always.)

2) Lack of income.

3) Looking for another job in a time of economic crisis. Promising. (Please note the sarcasm.)

4) Wanting to get back to England like no other.

5) Snow storms and tea somehow always make me feel like everything is okay.

6) Friends.

7) Auditions (Two big ones coming up!) and my upcoming acting class.

8) My 23rd birthday coming up soon.

9) Love.

10) Being incredibly stressed out but knowing deep down that it will all work out in the end. I guess this is just how I function. Stress first, realize I've overreacted and then deal. 

I'm a freak of nature, I know.

Red paint on a Tuesday.

Today was a nice, quiet and somewhat snowy day. 

A perfect day to watch some Lost, paint a room or just sit around drinking hot chocolate.

I did all of the above and couldn't ask for a more perfect day. 

It was very subdued and relaxing, even after talking to loan companies and making doctors appointments. I really enjoy the peace that comes after taking care of responsibilities. It's definitely a huge weight lifted off of my constantly buzzing mind. I really should get more into Yoga. Or Knitting. I hear both of which can really calm a stressed out person such as myself.  We'll see what the future brings. One thing that will definitely calm my frustrated soul will be taking acting class again starting February 8. I'm ready to go for it. I've been ready, but now I'm extra pumped. I just want to be doing something again so I can at least feel like I'm making an effort.

In other news... I think I have some drama in my life but I'm not too sure. Has that ever happened to you? Where the energy you're getting from someone is completely different and you're absolutely positive it's because they don't want anything to do with you? I'm getting that feeling. I want to talk about it but what do I talk about if I don't know if anything is wrong? I'm just... confused. I don't get it. I don't know what the heck is happening in my world right now. 

...

I was just thinking about the color red. It's such a dangerous color but even though it's synonymous with blood, the brightness creates this overwhelming sense of hope. 

I'm so taken by that wall Josh and I painted today... I can appreciate all the days that are ahead of me that are full of promise and love. In looking at that wall, I can somehow understand that even though things are tight right now, everything will work out for me in the end.

It always does.

Vegetables.

I love me some veggies.

Veggies all the time.

In salads. As snacks. Yummyness. I love veggies. 

A lot of people have been using the term "glowing" in order to describe my general presence. I find that incredibly complementary. So thanks to all of those who have said it. I'm really enjoying my workouts and waking up early. Just having a routine has altered my life for the better. I know I've said that before, but its true. And yes, even though some things still stress me out (as they have in the past few days) I'm generally more even tempered about it. I'm kind of impressed. Who knew that eating well could change your mentality? Because when I'm not thinking about my student loan drama, everything seems to be pretty good. Besides that loan stress, I am doing better. I think. I think I'm trying to convince myself of that. I don't really know how I am...

I still need my mommy. 

Here's to 2009

These past two days, I've been keeping my emotions inside and ultimately, they're eating away at my intestines like coke removes rust. I have been unsure about the reasons behind things, and I have never felt so alone these past 4 months, even though I've been surrounded by people who love me. Over and over again I play out what would happen if we all actually talked about things that were on our minds, but overall, I know that it wouldn't happen. I don't know what we're afraid of. The truth, I'm guessing. I just want to be able to have the best of both worlds, but both worlds are out of reach. It's as if I'm standing in between cupcakes and Cheez-its, both of which I love immensely, and I'm stretching my arms as far as I can in order to get them. But my feet are planted on the floor, both of them are just beyond my reach and I'm just left standing there with sore arms and an empty stomach. I just wish that cupcakes and Cheez-its could understand how torn I am. I think maybe things would make some more sense around here. I mean listen to me! I'm making comparisons to various food products. Obviously something is wrong here. (I'm sure it has nothing to do with anything except for the intense cravings I'm having from eliminating crap out of my diet). Ugh. I just feel awful. What a way to start the new year.

Anyway, besides that, I'm hoping I can continue in a more forward direction with other aspects of my life. I've been doing Yoga and sit ups every day and that in itself has been a huge help in changing my outlook on life. I feel more energized and just much better about myself. I also tend to be more forgiving of others, when before this I tended to be bitter and hate the world. In working out, I'm also waking up early every day so I can just start it out on the right foot and get more shit done. I've been reading a little bit of Shakespeare every night so I can keep on my toes with the language and planning on taking at least one class (whether acting or dance) this winter. I just need to be doing something if I'm not involved in anything professionally. I have every intention of having had at least one job by the end of 2009. And god damn it, nothing is going to stop me. Not this year.

In other news, my mom should be here in a few days. I need some mommy time. Some sanity. I think I'm going to drag her to Central Park so we can sit and talk with some coffee and bundle up in some blankets and try to tune out this city that has been getting me down more than ever. 

So, that's all for now. I'm thinking tea time is in order. Love you all and I'll chat soon. 

xo,

am