It's been a long time...

So I know it's been a while... life has been so absolutely insane and stressful and wonderful and a whole lot of everything else that I've just been trying to live it. I've experienced so much in this past year that I can easily say it's been my biggest growing year to date. I'm happy about where I am, but man, things have changed. I guess the reason I'm writing now is because a). I finally have the time/willingness to do so and 2). I have a lot on my mind. (This being the main reason)

What really sparked this for me is one of my former classmates from college changed her relationship status to "Engaged." It was as if Cupid himself, instead of shooting an arrow gracefully at my heart to help me fall in love, plummeted the arrow sideways right in there, while wriggling it around a bit just to make sure it hurt enough. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be more happy for her, but for me, it just made me think: "Will that ever happen to me?" I know it seems silly, only being 2 months away from my 26th birthday, but what I'm realizing lately more so than ever is that I really want that. No, not the arrow plummeting into my heart... I want to change my relationship status to engaged for the love of Panera Bread! Life is short. I want to have someone in my life that I know is going to be there for me no matter what. I don't want another heartache. I'm tired of the strained dating game. The long "getting to know you" conversations, and the bad food, and the "Oh, can't you just let me pay half?" awkward moment after meals... I just want one thing in my life to be consistent. I want love and I want to take care of someone and I want to have a wedding. And for god sakes I don't want to feel bad about wanting that.

May I just ask, what is up with the majority of this generation of guys? They get something great and then live it up while it's new and exciting and fresh and the moment that it gets serious they'll take off to the hills running, while throwing out over their shoulder a wish for nothing but happiness to you. You get your hopes up for love with a New Yorker and your setting your sites on disaster. In New York, finding a guy who wants what you do just feels impossible. It's like they all believe they can get someone better. Why settle in New York? There's an island full of fabulous, successful, gorgeous women and I am a New Yorker! I can do whatever I want! Us New Yorkers, we have too many options. So why just pick one when we can try one of everything? I just find myself worrying what if it doesn't happen for me?

So, after worrying for hours about my love life and the lineup I somehow manage, I try to focus my energies to the more positive aspects of my life. That tends to help my mood. For three minutes.

So... endeavors that are positive: As an apprentice I've made amazing friends, even better connections and have been cast in 4 shows in the upcoming year. I'm starting of 2012 with a bang and hope that this year the good actually continues on throughout.

My artwork has been a huge help in paying my rent, and hopefully will continue to do so. I have a gallery coming up soon and lots of love and support from friends and family. Pretty soon you'll be able to buy prints from me, too!

And... I have friends and family who are quite amazing and I love them dearly. Even through the toughest of times with my health, death in my family and breakups, the best ones have been there for me.

So anyway, stay tuned as things get more exciting and I think I'll be able to keep this updated far more often than I have been.

...but then again, don't get your hopes up. I am a New Yorker now, after all.

This Moment

The head of a company survived 9/11 because

His son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was

His turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her

Alarm clock didn’t go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike

Because of an auto accident.

One of them

Missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take

Time to change.

One’s

Car wouldn’t start.

One couldn’t

Get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man

Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,

Took the various means to get to work but before.

He got there, he developed a blister on his foot.

He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.

That is why he is alive today..

Now when I am

Stuck in traffic,

Miss an elevator,

Turn back to answer a ringing telephone…

All the little things that annoy me,

I think to myself,

This is exactly where

I’m meant to be

At this very moment

How to piss people off

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO." If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think." Practice making fax and modem noises. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." Staple pages in the middle of the page. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register. TYPE IN UPPERCASE. type only in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times. "DO YOU HEAR THAT?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. Ask people what gender they are. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Loss

Emotions have been pulling me left and right. One minute I feel happy and relaxed, the next I'm overwhelmed with grief and memories. Three deaths in 2 months time. Hoping that I don't drown in the sadness that has surrounded me, and looking to focus on the positive. And that has always been me, hasn't it? Looking to focus on the positive.

I wonder when I will actually be able to?

2011

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself". -- Neil Gaiman