With Persistence Comes Peace

I have been working my ass off. I've been juggling two jobs, one of which until the wee hours in the morning, and the other in the presence of my ex. Both jobs have filled me with inexplicable amounts of stress. But the payout? WORTH IT. I've settled my financial woes in one week. Now I can use all this money I've been working so hard for to help me move, go on vacation and finally feel SECURE again. It will be the first time I've felt that way since before Comedy of Errors. I'm so excited and hopeful for what this fall will bring, that forgetting about this rotten summer is getting easier by the day.

Today was a beautiful rainy day (I absolutely wish that there could be at least one rainy day like this a week), and I felt (for the first time in too long) peace. I received an email congratulating me on being cast in a night of One Acts and couldn't be more thrilled! I haven't been in a show since Comedy and I think part of my unhappiness has been due to lack of theater work. On the way home, I read the latest issue of Glamour and upon arriving at 30th Ave, spontaneously decided to treat myself to a mani/pedi. It was so relaxing and I didn't feel rushed to do anything. It was beautiful. It was just as calming as Yoga has been for me, which I'm going to in the morning. Day by day, my sadness seems to be fading. Of course I have my lonely days. I ache inside when I see a couple holding hands, or hearing about my friends engagements. But at least I know that I am learning to be happy with myself again. With the way I was hurting, it will take some time. And I'm learning to be okay with that, too.

In other news, my parents may be moving (again), this time to Mass. Apparently it would be on an inlet right on the ocean. I think it sounds perfect.

I guess I'm realizing that everything is perfect in some way.

Like I said, I'm learning.

Anyway, I'm trying to get some friends together tonight for a relaxing night out on the town. We'll see if that carries out, but if not I'll be happy to stay at home and read, go to bed early and wake up at 9 for some Yoga. The activities in my life have been simple, and that seems to be suiting me just fine.

Here's to moving on and forward. :)

xo,

am

Fast Forward and Live

The main focus of my life at this very moment is to focus on the present. To be fully aware of what is happening RIGHT NOW, and not what has happened in the past or what will happen in the future.

This is quite difficult for me....

But this is what I need to be doing. No longer do I want to dwell on what could have been or what may happen. Really, it's only taking up too much space in my mind, for one, and for two, what is it doing for me but making me incredibly stressed? God knows I need more stress in my life like Heidi Montag needs another plastic surgery. So this is what I intend to do: smile, laugh, work, go to Yoga, eat, and continue to actively pursue art in some way every day. I want to try to quiet my mind in a way that I have never done before and I think this is the only way that I can. Focus on NOW. This moment! Not what will be happening to me in a few days, or an upcoming bill. Everything has always worked out for me in some way, and all the worry that has come before that was a waste.

Today was the first day that I set out to be productive instead of stick my nose in a book and/or drink. In fact, today is the first day I didn't have a drink in two weeks. Anyway, I woke up at 9:30am, took a shower, applied for 5 more jobs, went on an interview and got hired (I start tomorrow!), finished a book, went grocery shopping, watched a movie and had three very entertaining conversations with three different men. I also got offered a ticket to a Yankees Red Sox game for Monday and of course I said yes. :)

Today was the first time I felt happiness in about a month.

Today was also the first day that I didn't think about anything but what I was doing in that moment.

Today I start a new journey.

UGH!!

I am so mad right now! I'm mad at him, and I'm mad at me, and I just wish that I could live a life without thinking about shit! I just want him to realize what he threw away. I want him to get it. I want to feel like I'm not withering away and to not forget to eat and to not have to deal with people that I don't care about hitting on me. I want to be with him. And he doesn't care. SO WHY CAN'T I LET GO?!

I just want to let go.