These past two days, I've been keeping my emotions inside and ultimately, they're eating away at my intestines like coke removes rust. I have been unsure about the reasons behind things, and I have never felt so alone these past 4 months, even though I've been surrounded by people who love me. Over and over again I play out what would happen if we all actually talked about things that were on our minds, but overall, I know that it wouldn't happen. I don't know what we're afraid of. The truth, I'm guessing. I just want to be able to have the best of both worlds, but both worlds are out of reach. It's as if I'm standing in between cupcakes and Cheez-its, both of which I love immensely, and I'm stretching my arms as far as I can in order to get them. But my feet are planted on the floor, both of them are just beyond my reach and I'm just left standing there with sore arms and an empty stomach. I just wish that cupcakes and Cheez-its could understand how torn I am. I think maybe things would make some more sense around here. I mean listen to me! I'm making comparisons to various food products. Obviously something is wrong here. (I'm sure it has nothing to do with anything except for the intense cravings I'm having from eliminating crap out of my diet). Ugh. I just feel awful. What a way to start the new year.
Anyway, besides that, I'm hoping I can continue in a more forward direction with other aspects of my life. I've been doing Yoga and sit ups every day and that in itself has been a huge help in changing my outlook on life. I feel more energized and just much better about myself. I also tend to be more forgiving of others, when before this I tended to be bitter and hate the world. In working out, I'm also waking up early every day so I can just start it out on the right foot and get more shit done. I've been reading a little bit of Shakespeare every night so I can keep on my toes with the language and planning on taking at least one class (whether acting or dance) this winter. I just need to be doing something if I'm not involved in anything professionally. I have every intention of having had at least one job by the end of 2009. And god damn it, nothing is going to stop me. Not this year.
In other news, my mom should be here in a few days. I need some mommy time. Some sanity. I think I'm going to drag her to Central Park so we can sit and talk with some coffee and bundle up in some blankets and try to tune out this city that has been getting me down more than ever.
So, that's all for now. I'm thinking tea time is in order. Love you all and I'll chat soon.
xo,
am
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